Doomsday is nigh…

In all reality, I had no fear of December 21, 2012… until I saw people preparing for December 21, 2012.  Through programs such as Doomsday Preppers and other random high-brow survivalist fare that is being broadcast on National Geographic, I have come to know the fear.  It is real, and I am here to give you the heads up.  You’re welcome.

Preparing for doomsday.  It is a growing lifestyle here in the US.  It is mostly comprised of poor, crazy, white people who could not comprehend the complexities of Dr. Seuss.  However, they are usually more than ready to explain the Book of Revelations to anyone dumb enough to listen, or too immobile to escape… go figure.  They abandon all hopes, dreams, hobbies, etc. to collect canned food, water, and guns.  “So what?” you say.  “Sounds like normal activities for them.”  Well, my friend, this is just the beginning…

They have taken up such activities as hiding in bunkers eating ramen noodle everyday, learning “people hunting”, setting trip wires around their homes, eating 30-year old horse meat from mason jars, raising tilapia in backyard pools, making their children do gas-mask drills, and scaring the elderly, children, and animals by jumping out of homemade foxholes in full ghillie suits.  One man was brought to the survivalist lifestyle through acid trips, not surprising.  Another lady said basically:  I’ll be well fed while everyone else gets skinny.  I’ve got plenty of food stocked up.  What an asshole.  Also, this woman looked as if she was “well-fed” already and would have killed over from a basic aerobic course, and she’s preparing for nuclear warfare?  Good luck.

Yet, while they prepare for ultimate survival, they appear to be suffering from life itself.  Most of them are driving cars with mismatched doors, or old pickups with V8s so large they are definitely drinking away a major chunk of canned-food money.  Concerning yourself with surviving a catastrophe, when you are barely surviving as it is?  Maybe it’s just a form of escapism.  I do not claim to know.  I do know however, that the children look beaten down at 7-8 years old.  They cringe and look terrified as nutty old Dad shows ’em how to “far” an AK-47, pistol, or other implement of death.  They try to look normal sitting in a burlap shirt eating crickets that good ol’ Dad and homely, stupid, down-trodden Mom gave them.  They try to smile (as kids should do) while suffering from an environment of ignorance, paranoia, and neglect – due to crazed priorities set by crazy parents.  So, I wish these kids well.  I hope that one day they are able to laugh and play hide and seek on the lawn, without a family member jumping out to disembowel them while they’re tangled in trip wire.  If you really think our world is that doomed, why did you bring innocent children into the picture in the first place?  Oh, I gotcha… amongst all the crazy shit you can plan for, I guess buying condoms was too complicated?  Or maybe you tried to make them at home out of plastic wrap and a rubber band?  Good call.

So, where does this leave us?  Well, it leaves us “normal”, somewhat sane, peace-seeking people in an awkward situation.  Trust me.  When 12-21-12 passes and these crazies are left safely hiding behind a tree… they are going to be mad as hell.  If you decide to tell them that Mayans are “south of the border”, oh, better you than me.  Whatever, when they realize that all the money that could have been spent on Nascar tickets, 80’s band reunion shows, bottom shelf whiskey, lottery tickets, muscle shirts, etc. has been blown on canned food and gas masks!?  We will all soon suffer the reality of armed men in full ghillie suits jumping out at us on the bread aisle of Wal-Mart, men in Mad Max gear in a ’68 Ranger tearing through our front lawn demanding women, gasoline, and glue; and of course shooting excess ammo at anything that can walk, stagger, or roll.  And then tack on their poor, dumb, probably barefoot and pregnant wives staggering around the streets asking anyone and everyone for direction and purpose in life?  Dear God… we’re all in for it.  Much less our local grocers repossessing and reselling that old canned food to offset gas prices for shipping?  We’ll all be sick and crazy before it’s over.

The terror is real… and it will not come from the Mayan prophecy, but from the preppers.  Prep yourselves people.  Prep for the preppers.  We’re all going to face a whole new level of crazy.  Feel the fear…